The Akatsuki's new cleaner
by Oreiko
Summary: The Akatsuki needs a cleaner. Temari needs the money. "Temari." Hidan almost purred the name. "I wonder if she's hot." HidaTema crackfic.
1. Chapter 1

AN: Haha, maybe I shouldn't be starting yet another fanfic while I have two others I need to update? Ahh well.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. If I did, Deidara wouldn't be dead.

/AN

* * *

"Hidan."

"'The fuck do you want?" the violet eyed Jashinist sneered.

Kakuzu didn't flinch at the profanity. "Leader-sama wants to see you." he replied a monotone, heading towards the fridge.

Hidan sighed, dragging himself off a kitchen chair, and walked wearily towards the Leader's office.

"Yes, O Mighty One?" Hidan said as he walked in, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "You wanted me?"

Pein scowled. He was getting sick of Hidan's lip. "Look Hidan, this isn't hard. You're the last person I would have picked, but I need this done quickly."

"Yeah yeah, save me your excuses. Give me the fucking mission already. You wanting me to kill someone or something?" Hidan said lazily, looking at his nails.

Laughing mirthlessly, Pein continued. "Not quite. We need a cleaner—"

Hidan snorted "No fucking shit."

"Hidan." Pein said threateningly.

"I'm shutting up, hurry up with your fucking mission description."

"Akatsuki needs a cleaner. The base is disgusting. All I need you to do is look through this" –he threw a newspaper into Hidan's lap- "and find someone suitable for the job. Them get them here. Not. Hard. You are excused."

Hidan stared at Leader-Sama. "What in the name of fucking Jashin-sama is wrong with you, seriously?! Have you never heard of a fucking phone?! And anyway, I'm a fucking _elite ninja_ and you're expecting me to ferry some _maid_ around?! FUCK YOU!" He shouted, as he slammed the door.

Pein sighed and rubbed his temples. The door opened. Looking up, he let himself smile briefly as he saw who entered. But only briefly.

"Konan."

"Hai, Nagato-Sama."

"Remind me why I put up with Hidan?"

"His incredible hand to hand combat skills, extensive knowledge of weaponry and ability to regenerate, Nagato-sama."

"Hn."

* * *

Hidan collapsed onto a sofa in the main room of the base. You couldn't deny that the base needed a bit of a clean up. Maybe that was an understatement. The floor was littered with rubbish, packets from take-out they'd had months ago, cans, screwed up pieces of paper, explosive clay... He'd have to talk to Deidara about that. Edging away from said clay, he looked at the newspaper in his hand. He cleared the coffee table, pushing some food wrappers onto the floor. Unfolding the paper, he flattened it out on the table, smoothing out the creases, before flipping to the jobs sections. Skimming over the possible applicants, he saw one that stuck out from all the others.

I'm Temari.  
I don't know what I'm meant to put on this, but to be blunt,  
I need the money.  
I'll do pretty much anything, as long as it's not inappropriate.  
If you're interested, call me.

Hidan smirked. Everyone else in this damn paper promised him that 'all his cleaning dreams would come true' and shit like that. The ads were overcomplicated, with loopy writing and pink frills. He was drawn to the simplicity of this one.

"Temari."

Hidan almost purred the name.

"I wonder if she's hot."

* * *

Sorry it's so short. It just felt like a good place to end the chapter. :3


	2. Chapter 2

A/N; This chapter is even shorter than the last! Sorry, if anyone cares. x]

* * *

Temari bit her lip. According to the publishers, the newspaper with her ad in should have gone out yesterday, but no one had called. She was running out of money, fast. Of course, she was the Kazekage's sister, but her pride refused to let her ask Gaara for any money. She was a strong kunoichi, and having to put an ad in a newspaper to be a cleaning woman was frankly humiliating. That was how desperate she was. However, she knew quite a few ninja in the same position as herself. Lately in Suna, missions were scarce, and in such high demand that they were finished faster than they were coming in. Walking into the kitchen of her small flat, she wondered how Kankuro was getting on. He was well known as a puppeteer, and as such, was probably unaffected by the depression. She knew he'd be willing to lend her money, give it to her even, but again, her pride intervened. Sighing, she took out some bread and cheese from her fridge, making a mental note to get some butter later on. Putting the food down on the kitchen table, she picked up a knife, when suddenly the phone rang.

"Damn." She put her thumb in her mouth, sucking on the cut she'd just made, while picking up the phone with her other hand. "Hello?" she said, slightly apprehensively.

"Yo. You're Temari?" a deep, male voice spoke through the receiver.

"That's me. Who's this?"

"You put an ad in the paper, yeah?" he replied, evading the question.

"I did. You have a job for me then?"

"Yeah, I d-"

A massive explosion rang through the phone, almost making Temari drop it. Putting it slowly back to her ear, she could hear the man cursing.

"FUCKING HELL DEIDARA! I'M ON THE FUCKING PHONE YOU BOMB-HAPPY FREAK! YOU'VE GOT NO FUCKING RESPECT YOU BASTARD! Stupid piece of fucking shit. Sorry about that. Yeah, we need a cleaner."

Still slightly shocked, Temari wondered what she was getting herself into.

"Umm. Okay. How much would I get paid?"

"….Hang on a sec. KAKUZU?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FUCKING HEAR ME?! CRAWL THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR FUCKING HOLE! HOW MUCH ARE WE PAYING HER?!" Temari waited as 'Kakuzu' shouted something back. "THE CLEANER?!" more shouting. "YOU TIGHT ARSE BITCH. Sorry again. Stupid fucking people I live with. ¥30,000 a week okay? You're gonna have to live in."

Temari contemplated this quickly. Anything would be better than living where she was now, and being on her own was starting to take its toll on her sanity.

"Yeah that's fine. Where do you live?"

"Uhhh, can I pick you up? You live in Suna yeah? Meet me by the Suna/Konoha border, at 7. Hold on. YO, KAKUZU?! I'M GOING OUT TO PICK UP THE CLEANER AT 7-ISH! I'll see you there?"

"Yeah. I guess so. See you."

"Bye."

He hung up.

Well, Temari thought. It'll be an experience.

* * *

A/N; about Temari's pay. I did a quick google search, saw that some random housekeeper got paid £200 a week, and then converted it into yen. it came up at 30,00-ish, that seemed a bit much to me? But I don't know anything about it. If anyone wants to correct me, go ahead! :]

Disclaimer; I don't own Naruto.


	3. Chapter 3

A/n; The Akatsuki aren't well known yet, which is why Temari doesn't raise any eyebrows after hearing Deidara's name in the last chapter. Either that, or they're not in the bingo books. Maybe Temari hasn't been keeping up? You'll have to ask her. :P

Disclaimer- I don't own Naruto, else Dei-Dei-Kun would still be alive.

Oh, also, in this chapter, Hidan and Temari are doing that crazy tree jumping thing that ninjas do instead of walking.

* * *

Temari wrapped her kimono tighter to her body, in an attempt to keep warm. She had packed lightly. She didn't have much in the way of clothes anyway, a couple of outfits for work and a few for home, it's not like she went out much. Not really a people person. All she had on her was a fairly bulky rucksack, easy enough to run with. And her fan, but that goes without saying. Leaning against a cold brick wall, she started tapping her foot. Where was he?

Hidan sped towards the place he'd said he'd meet Temari. The name sounded foreign on his lips. He couldn't help but wonder how old she was. Surely a young ninja wouldn't be applying for a cleaning job? All the same, he hoped it wasn't some old woman who he was gonna have to carry. Man, this 'mission' was such a pain. He stood on the wall of the border, and looked around for any signs of life. The only person he could see was a girl with some crazy-ass hair. He decided to hedge his bets, and shouted.

"Temari?!"

Looking up, Temari was surprised to see a young man, about her age, crouched on the wall she was leaning on, looking at her expectantly. He had a long black cloak on, that was only done up halfway, exposing a pale, muscular chest. Was this the guy from the phone call?

"Yeah?" She questioned, turning to face him.

"You're the one who I called earlier?" Now that he could see her properly, Hidan (mentally) whistled. She was hot. And that was an understatement.

"I guess I am." Temari shifted the weight of the rucksack so it was evenly distributed between both shoulders.

"What are we fucking waiting for then? Lets roll." Hidan grinned, before shooting off into some near-by trees.

Slightly shocked at such a quick departure, Temari had no choice but to follow him. Quickly catching up, she decided to try and gather up as much information as possible.

"You realise I don't even know your name?" Temari said, perhaps slightly harsher than she meant it.

"Sucks to be you." Catching sight of her facial expression, Hidan almost lost his footing. "Jashin, I'm joking! It's Hidan, if you care so fucking much."

Temari didn't know exactly what it was about…Hidan. But there was something, and it intrigued her. Of course she was attracted to him, it was almost impossible not to be. But she was sure it wasn't that… There was something about his cocky, foul-mouthed arrogance that drew her strangely to him, but she couldn't quite place it. She dismissed the thought. He was, after all, her employer. Or one of them, thinking back to the phone conversation. He'd mentioned at least two other people. So, three men, living under one roof, with a female maid? She just hoped they weren't driven by their hormones.

"Have I upset you already? Or are you just fucking quiet? I don't bite, seriously." Hidan's voice cut through her thoughts. He smirked at her surprised expression, though she quickly regained her composure.

"I'm thinking." she said simply.

"Aren't blondes meant to be thick?"

Temari growled at that comment, answering him with a wall of silence.

"Fucking hell, you seriously can't take a joke."

"Are you this nice to every girl you meet, or am I just special?"

Yet again, Hidan smirked.

"Hah! You're special alright."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Jashin, what's your fucking problem?"

Temari ground her teeth. She'd been tense lately. The lack of missions was taking its toll, and she hadn't slept properly in days, let alone eaten a decent meal. She knew she was being snappy, and on edge, and that Hidan hadn't really done anything wrong, but right now she found it hard to care. She retorted bitterly.

"Right now? That'd be you."

Hidan didn't know what he'd done to upset her. Of course, he figured he was Jashin's gift to women, and that anyone would succumb to his charm and devil-may-care attitude. Didn't seem to be working on this one, though. She obviously needed her head checking. Hidan scowled. Anyway, she had no right to be talking to him like that!

"I hope you fucking realise who you're talking to? I'm employing you bitch! You obviously need the fucking money. You must be a ninja, you use that fan in combat, right?"

Subconsciously, Temari's left hand flew to the aforementioned fan.

"Thought so. So you must be pretty fucking desperate, crawling around cleaning up other people's shit. Meaning, you can't afford to lose this job."

Temari stared at Hidan in disbelief. He'd figured her out, just like that? Obviously he was more than a pretty face. She narrowed her eyes, before turning to look away from him.

"I'm right, aren't I? Damn, I'm so fucking good." Hidan smirked in triumph.

Exhaling slowly, Temari clenched her fists, before flashing Hidan a fake smile.

"So, when do we get to your place?"

* * *

Sorry! I'm not good at writing long chapters. and i'm also sorry for the major lack of updates. I've had exams D:

i love hidan. ^^


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